Posts tagged ‘Movies’

Hey, I got a great idea for a movie ending … see, you think the bad guy is dead, but in reality …

We’ve seen them all hundreds of times.
So why does Hollywood keep throwing them in movies?
Here’s my plea to Hollywood Directors – KEEP THESE CLICHES OUT OF YOUR MOVIES!

*Cliche alert*
– Oh, no! They caught me. Oh, wait. It’s just my toothbrush I left behind.
You know this one. Someone is trying to sneak by a security checkpoint and they’ve been busted! Not.
In the movie “21”, the character Ben Campbell is walking through airport security with hundreds of thousands of dollars strapped to him he wants to gamble in Vegas.
“Sir. Stop right there,” the security guard shouts after Campbell makes it through the checkpoint.
LONG PAUSE.
“You forgot your bag.”
Whew. That was close. This movie almost ended after 25 minutes.
And how the hell did he forget his bag? That’s the only thing you checked in, numb nuts.
*Cliche alert* – He must be dead. I just shot him.
Somehow, filmmakers just can’t let THIS cliche die. It has more lives than Jason.
Will somebody please STICK A GODDAMN FORK IN THE BAD GUY when you have the chance?
The Dark Knight: Harvey Dent shoots Batman right in his indestructible metal allooy costume gut and Batman falls down. What? We’re to presume he’s dead? This guy has taken ICBMs in the torso and bounced back, and Harvey’s .22 caliber slug did him in? And what the hell has Harvey Dent been watching? You want to kill The Batman, you gotta do a head shot.
Mission Impossible 2: Ethan Hunt has beaten the crap out of the bad guy Sean Ambrose and, of course, left him for dead. While walking back to the helicopter that has come to pick him up, he notices the expression of horror on his pal Luther’s face as he approaches. Ethan then realizes that must mean the bad guy isn’t dead. SURPRISE! But Ethan kicks a gun out of the sand and turns around to shoot him.
The Patriot: Heath Ledger is tracking down the horrid British colonel who killed his piece of ass (see cliche below). He shoots the guy and the colonel falls to the ground, obviously dead. So then Ledger goes to kill him again and does the old “I’m-gonna-raise-my-weapon-so-high-in-the-air-above-my-head-that-I-couldn’t-possibly-defend-myself” sword manuever. Of course, the colonel isn’t dead, and then jumps up and shoots Ledger dead, who is caught off guard. That dirty bastard. He’ll get his. And he did. The exact same way. The colonel is killed when he is standing behind a kneeling and badly wounded Mel Gibson (Ledger’s father in this flick) in a later battle. Instead of just shooting the bastard, the colonel goes into a full Monty “I’m gonna knock you into next week” swing and Gibson simply does a half-ass duck and then takes his sword out and stabs the colonel. See, the colonel forgot to tell him, “Don’t move.”
*Cliche alert* – No more capturing the hero’s piece of ass.
Enough already. If you need that to keep the plot going, next script! Some women have made a career out of playing the hot-chick-taken-hostage. Take the Die Hard wife of John McLain. First movie, Hans kidnaps her. Second Die Hard movie, a group of cyber terrorists hold the airplane she is in hostage. Fourth movie, she won’t do, so the bad guy holds her daughter hostage. ENOUGH taking hot chicks hostage. Jesus. Can’t we have a hero without attachments?

Advertisements

January 3, 2009 at 4:49 am 2 comments

The stupidest moments in movies I like ….

The Last Boy Scout, starring Bruce Willis and Damon Wayans.
The opening scene, there is a pill-popping gambling football player who has to score a TD at all costs. So he’s packing a pistol. Now, stay with me here, that’s not my problem. On a pass play, he catches it and has to get in the endzone. He breaks the first three tackles, but there is still half a team waiting for him. The fourth opposing defender stands before him and is about to tackle him and then the receiver pulls out a gun and shoots the defender in the eye. Now, I’m still along for the ride. Suspend your disbelief. There are no metal detectors for players.
But here’s where the movie loses me.
The receiver STILL HAS TO SHOOT TWO MORE GUYS WHO, APPARENTLY, ARE SO DEAD SET AGAINST ALLOWING A TOUCHDOWN THEY ARE WILLING TO TAKE A CAP IN THE ASS.
And despite making it to the highest level of their chosen profession, these defenders still don’t know the rules of the game. Shooting someone on the field is a penalty last time I checked! Rule 15-Paragraph A of the official Rule Book reads: “Putting a cap in someone’s ass is considered unsportsman like conduct. A 15-yard penalty.”
So the moment the linebacker had a bullet in his eye, the flags are flying. The touchdown will be called back.
Still, the next two guys STILL try to tackle Billy The Kid and are shot like convenience store clerk during a hold up because ….. you play to the whistle?

Fallen, starring Denzel Washington.
In the final scene, Denzel Washington plays a cop who has been tracking a demon that is able to transfer from human to human and, hence, has existed for thousands of years.
Washington lures the demon out to a remote cabin. The demon at that point now controls the body of Denzel’s partner, John Goodman.
After a fight, Denzel shoots Goodman and then tells the demon his plan: he is going to kill John Goodman, hence forcing the demon out and allowing it only one other person to inhabit – Denzel. But Denzel has outsmart the demon. He’s smoking a poisonous cigarette as he’s telling the demon his plan. He shoots the demon, then dies as the demon is trapped in his body from the poison in a remote area with no other bodies for miles.
Great ending to the story. The problem?
The demon survives when a stray, feral cat shows up.
BULLSHIT.
You don’t change the clearly accepted rules of the game at the last moment just to fool the viewer. That’s bad porn. If the demon can soul jump into an animal, then it can jump into an ant, or a beaver, or a worm, or any living organism and you got the Jason Voorhees Friday The 13th Movie dilemma – if you can’t kill it, why am I watching?
How do I end it? Simple. Denzel still kills himself. But instead of a cat, the demon runs into the cabin and finds the only other human still alive – Britney Spears. Oh, Mr. Demon, you’ve just been dumbed down into the world of insignificance. You’ll be haunting Hollywood’s high-end boutiques for the next 10 years and be the laughing stock of Hades. Yeah, Mr. Demon, that’s some resume you got there. Hmmmmmm. Ruled most of Asia as Genghis Khan …. then skipped over to Caligula and partied like it was AD99 for a few decades and now the demons from hell are youtubing video of you drunk and flashing your shaved hoochie as you exit a limo.

Jeepers Creepers 2, starring no one you ever heard of, but I’m a sucker for cheesey horror film sequels.

The Creeper is a winged-flesh eating terror that every 23 years is animated from a stasis and goes on a 23-day killing frenzy. After the 23 days, it becomes de-activated again until the next 23 years pass.
At the end of the movie, three teenagers come to see the “bat out of hell”, which is the creature crucified to a cross in a barn by the man who fought The Creeper about 23 years ago until his 23 days were up.
The teens ask, “How’d you kill it?”
“Stabbed it right through the heart,” the man says.
“When?” The teens ask.
“About 23 years ago,” the man says.
“You waiting for something?” the teens ask.
“About three more days .. give or take a day or two,” the man says.
So the man now sits in a lawn chair with a shotgun in his lap while the Creeper sits crucified to the cross in the barn.
So, here’s my issue.
You stabbed it. Shot it. Ran over it. It still didn’t die.
So what’s the point of putting the thing back up on its cross so when it comes back, you can shoot it? Again?
Here’s what I’d do… and you got 22 plus years to do it.
Get a barrel, fill it with quick-dry cement (hell, it could even be the slow-drying type) and put the creature in the barrel, fill it with the cement up to its head.
When it is reanimated 23 years later, it’s got a little issue. It’s now part-creature, part sidewalk.
Hey, Creeper, yeah, uh, you’re really scaring me with your head sticking out of 1,000 gallons of dried cement. Yeah, and that sign above you does read, “Kiss the monster for $1.” And yeah, I am offering senior citizens a 50 cent discount. Get that 12-inch tongue warmed up.

November 5, 2008 at 2:56 pm 1 comment