Posts tagged ‘Dating’

The +2 modifier. Or, shave your friggin’ neck, watch your ass quotient rise!

Body hair.

Automatically, any man over the age of 35 starts out with a negative two modifier.

What’s a “modifier?”
Look at a woman with big boobs. What do you rate her on a scale to 1-10? Let’s say it’s an 8. Now, rate her without giving considerations to the tits. What is she now? A 6! Breasts are a plus two modifier.

Well, modifiers can work against you.

For men, the worst is unwieldly hair. Unwanted hair on men is the ONE thing women evaluate but NEVER talk about unless prodded. When a female colleague dates a man, it’s the first question I ask, “What was the hair situation?” You’d be shocked how much attention women pay to that.

Seinfeld joked about nose and ear puberty. What the show didn’t cover is the problems it can cause in dating for older men if it is not maintained.

Here’s a few tips:

Nose hair is the most easily manageable. For $15, you can get clippers and get out the nose hair. It should be part of the routine maintenance you give your body.

Eyebrows. Monobrow. Whatever you want to call it, get a pair of tweesers and pull out that “eye hair garden” once every four days. It virtually painless.

Ears. I’ve seen some men who look like they have tumbleweed in their ears. In my office, one attractive woman wondered if a colleague had problems hearing because of it. TRIM THAT! Remember that old commercial of the native American standing on the side of the road seeing all the garbage and crying? You see the stalks of hair coming out of his ear? In some instances, ear hair can be a minus FOUR modifier. I know a woman who rejected a man she met on a dating online system solely because he had what looked to be miniature hands of hair reaching out.  Simply put, of all the places unwanted hair can sprout, the ear is single most type that results in a “the deal killer.”

And the hardest to combat? Back hair. I love Law and Order. Want to know a secret of the show? When they want to show a low-class white dude, give him back hair. I’m talking the hair sweater. Most times, that is how you can tell who committed the crime on that show? Which suspect has the most back hair? So what to do? Back hair should be shaved once a day from four inches ABOVE the elbow to the entire shoulder mid-back region. You will eventually be left with two strips of hair in the middle of the back from where you can’t reach. I call it “the hair railroad tracks to nowhere.” It’s the best you can do. It takes a minus four and turns it into a minus one. It’s minimizing your weaknesses.

November 4, 2008 at 4:04 pm Leave a comment

The Ass-Tax — A Man’s Guide To Getting Really Broke With No Hopes Of Scoring

Everybody plays the fool, so the song goes.

But not EVERYONE pays that Ass-Tax.

That is man’s cross to bear.

What is the Ass-Tax?
It’s when men lose money one way or another over an attractive woman they WILL not have sex with.

There are many variations of it – like the flu it comes in many different strains.

A police officer letting the attractive woman out of a ticket. ASS TAX

A male college student helping a co-ed move out of her dorm into an apartment. ASS TAX. (A note here to the under 25-crowd, moving a chick’s belongings is the most prevalent form of ass tax being paid on campuses around the country. You spend three hours of hard labor moving shit and for what? A thanks while she runs off that night to party with the guy she’s going to nail who wasn’t around when that sofa had to be moved down three flights of stairs.)

Paying for a woman’s drinks at a bar. ASS TAX 

Surprisingly, although attractive women benefit constantly from the tax levy, they really don’t understand it. I had one attractive co-worker tell me that she told a male friend who was saving money to pay for his marriage that he was paying the ass tax. I promptly corrected her and told her she was misunderstanding the application of the tax. That man was giving up money for sex at a later date. Therefore, the ass tax doesn’t apply. He’s going to tag that chick down the road. Hence, he’s getting some value for that expense.

I had a flat tire where I work and there is a nearby tire store that charged me $110 for a new tire. An attractive female worker told me she had the same thing a month earlier, but they threw in a free tire. ASS TAX.

Some in the legal profession have been known to give legal services to free or give a reduced rate for attractive prospective female clients. (Check the paper work on female strippers in court and what they pay for their DUI charge they need legal representation for. Pro-bono? Pro-boner!)

Unfortunately, there are only two certainties in life – death and taxes.

The ass tax will live forever. Why?

Because men think with dicks and pay with their wallets and we’ve never been able to short-circuit that process.

November 4, 2008 at 8:27 am 2 comments