Posts tagged ‘damaged guy’

Ode to Old School, and what truths women will never learn from it.

In 2003, there was a movie that came out that became an instant classic. It made Will Ferrell what he is today.
I’m talking about Old School, one of the most-quoted movies by drunken men.
Yet, in the nearly six years since its been out, I haven’t found one woman who has enjoyed it.
And through the years, Ferrell’s tried to recapture that magic but has never come close.
Men have flocked to the movies to see if Ferrell could recreate that magic in Old School knock offs like Anchorman, The Legend of Ron Burgundy, Wedding Crashers and Step Brothers and have come away feeling a bit betrayed.
What was it about Old School?
The magic of the movie was that it captured on film five basic truths about relationships, cementing itself as the ultimate “Damaged Guy Movie.”

TRUTH NO. 1
Women don’t like blow jobs:
There’s an old joke that goes like this. A man comes home from work and finds his wife packing her bags. “I’m leaving you and going to Las Vegas. I heard you can make $500 there for a blow job.” As the woman is packing her bags, she notices her husband is packing his bag, too. “Where are you going?” the wife demands. “To Vegas,” the husband says. “I want to see you try to make it on $1,000 a year.” Women don’t like blow jobs.
In Old School, Andy Dick plays Barry the oral sex instructor who is hired as the homosexual man who is an expert at blow jobs and is going to teach the house wives how to perfect the art. He uses vegetables to demonstrate.
Barry: Ladies, our thumbs are down, our wrists are flexed, and we’re gonna position ourselves for insertion.
Barry: Now you’re going to do the work, ladies. These carrots are not going to ejaculate themselves.

We all know women. Nobody has to teach them how to eat chocolate or how to nag about picking up your clothes.
Women become experts at that without trainers. Women don’t like sucking cock. They just do it because they think men like it.

TRUTH NO. 2
Therapy sucks:
Men don’t believe in therapy. Why? Because it don’t work. Talking about why you are no longer into your piece of ass won’t change that. It only brings it out in the open. In front of the woman you are no longer into. That’s a toxic mix.
Yet, therapy is the No. 1 option for couples in a troubled marriage.
In Old School, Frank goes to see a therapist after he gets drunk and goes streaking and is caught by his new wife.
It starts out well.
The therapist explains the ground rules:

Therapist: Frank, this is a safe place. It’s a place where we can feel free sharing our feelings. Think of my office as a nest in a tree of trust and understanding. We can say anything here.
Frank: Anything?

Every man at this point of the movie says to himself, “Frank, he’s full of shit. Trust your instincts.”
Frank tells the therapist he understands he is married and he should be changed but he doesn’t feel changed.
Frank: I mean, suddenly you get married and you’re supposed
to be this entirely different guy. I don’t feel different.

His wife nods in agreement.
But what lies beneath betrays him.

Therapist: Frank, this is a safe place. A place where we can feel free sharing our feelings. Think of my office as a nest in a tree of trust and understanding. We can say anything here.
Frank: Anything? Well, uh I guess I, deep down, am feeling a little confused. I mean, suddenly, you get married, and you’re supposed to be this entirely different guy. I don’t feel different. I mean, take yesterday for example. We were out at the Olive Garden for dinner, which was lovely. And uh, I happen to look over at a certain point during the meal and see a waitress taking an order, and I found myself wondering what color her underpants might be. Her panties. Uh, odds are they are probably basic white, cotton, underpants. But I sort of think well maybe they’re silk panties, maybe it’s a thong. Maybe it’s something really cool that I don’t even know about. You know, and uh, and I started feeling… what? what I thought we were in the trust tree in the nest, were we not?

Every man silently nodded at the line.
We know, baby, there is no trust tree.
The next scene shows Frank was forced to move out of his home.

TRUTH NO. 3
It’s better if you lie in relationships

If you ever read the e-Harmony want lists of all the single women in this country, somewhere in the top three desires in a mate is listed “honesty” or “trustworthy”.
Mitch comes home from an out-of-town conference and finds his girlfriend is about to have an orgy with strangers who are blindfolded.
Mitch: Be honest. Please tell me this is the first time
this has happened.
Girlfriend: Well, do you want me to be honest, or you
want me to tell you this is the first time?

The naive Mitch laments about his discovery during the toast at Frank’s wedding.
Mitch: True love is hard to find, sometimes you think you have true love and then you catch the early flight home from San Diego and a couple of nude people jump out of your bathroom blindfolded like a goddamn magic show ready to double team your girlfriend…

TRUTH NO. 4
We like beer.
Men love beer, especially if we’ve been forced by the nagging significant other to stop drinking it.
Frank: [after funneling a beer] Once it hits your lips, it’s so good!
‘Nuff said.

TRUTH NO. 5
UNTIL DEATH DO YOU PART
If men think about it, sleeping with one woman the rest of your life really freaks us out.
Vince Vaughn’s character points that out to his friend Frank.
Beanie: Alright, let me be the first to say congratulations to then. You get one vagina for the rest of your life. Real smart Frank. Way to work it through.
Then, when Frank opens up to the therapist in front of his wife:
Frank: I guess what I’m trying to say is that now that I’m married, I’m definitely feeling a little freaked out about the fact that I’m gonna have sex with only one person for the rest of my life.
We tend not to dwell on that. It’s just an understood assumption we push off into the back of our minds.

November 15, 2008 at 4:49 pm 4 comments