Posts filed under ‘Things I Know But Can’t Explain’

Memo to Bret Michaels: Dude. Pushing 50 and still can’t find a piece of ass? Genius! Because otherwise the Lincoln County Fair awaits you.

 
The 80’s were great.
But if there was a momentary down moment, it had to be the sliver of a window that the Hair Bands came in.
Which brings us to Bret Michaels, the lead singer for the band Poison.
Now as far as the group went, I have no problem. It was typical three-album burnout with about three hits scattered among a five-year window it took to bang out those albums.
Today? They are as dated as a M*A*S*H episode.
So why am I seeing Bret Michaels just about every night?
In case you missed it, Michaels hooked up with VH1 for a reality show called, “Rock of Love.”
Bret Michaels has to pick from 25 girls to find his love.
OK. That sounds like an off night back when he was touring in that 15-month window people actually listened to Poison.
I mean, three seasons of this show and he still can’t find a piece of ass that works.
You know why?
Because that would be the cure.
And my guess is that the chances of a Hair Band resurrecting its popularity in 2009 are as likely as O.J. winning the NOW’s Man of the Year award.. Who wants to hear a 46-year-old man with hair-loss issues singing, “Talk Dirty To Me?”
So Bret continues his search for love. And a paycheck.
Bret has released four albums since 1998. He’s got one song of those albums that hit Top 50.
And what about these women?
It’s the biggest collection of skanks since Charlie Sheen’s first bachelor party.
According to Wikipedia, “Angelique” is an adult film actress. “Raven” had done pornography on a website named “Ghetto Gaggers.” Ghetto Gaggers? Priceless.
“Brittaney Starr is a singer/songwriter who has also been involved in pornography.”
And the list goes on.
My guess is that when the ratings run dry on this, so will Bret’s luck.
And then you can catch Poison on tour in places like Cuyahoga Falls, Darien Lake and Holmdel.
Rock on. And say hi to Huey Lewis for me.

March 31, 2009 at 1:51 am Leave a comment

Max Headroom: Jim Carrey caught in a computer?

There are two things those of us from the 1980s will never be able to explain to our children.
1) How Dom Deluise became famous? He was ALREADY famous when he started hanging around Burt Reynolds.
2) What the fuck was Max Headroom?
For the record, he was a British creation – an artificially intelligent computer personality. He was on TV from 1985-86 in a TV show and then became a cult phenomena when Coke hired him as a spokeman.
The actor who played him is named Matt Frewer. He has a role in the current movie “Watchmen.” He plays Edgar Jacobi/Moloch.
Max Headroom never made much sense. He talked like he had Tourette’s. He was kind of a computerized Jim Carrey with lines like, “Like they say when you’re buying suppositories, ‘With friends like that, who needs enemas?'”
Max Headroom actually got a Letterman-like talkshow in 1985. He had a TV series entitled “Max Headroom” that ran 14 episodes in 1987-88.
More than 20 years later, I still can’t explain it.
But here’s the beauty of being over 40 years old: In Max’s talkshow, Mary Tyler Moore walked out and said to Max, “You remind me of a younger Ted Baxter.”
A 1960’s icon talking to a 1980’s icon comparing it to a 1970’s icon.

Max Headroom

Max Headroom


Actor Matt Frewer

Actor Matt Frewer

March 2, 2009 at 1:11 am Leave a comment

Hey, Peyton, do you have an audible for “just throw the fucking ball!”????

Peyton Manning may break every record set by a quarterback by the time he retires.
And that includes, “Most high maintenance QB ever.”
Have you seen the shticht the Indianapolis Colts quarterback goes through before taking a snap?
As soon as he breaks the huddle and lines up behind the center, it’s like the first act of Cats.
Can the guy just take a snap without applying for a Screen Actor’s Guild card? Yo, Peyton. You know, Johnny U took a few snaps himself for the Colts and didn’t have to recite Chapter 11 of Leviticus so he could throw the ball to a guy standing four yards away. Why are you such a drama queen?

February 9, 2009 at 9:14 am Leave a comment

Yo, Clint. You can die now. You’ve made amends for “City Heat” and introducing Sondra Locke to Hollywood

If you haven’t seen “Gran Turino,” Clint Eastwood’s new movie, you are in for a masterpiece of a movie.
It’s an instant classic.
And then I looked it up. Clint was 78 years old when he made that movie.
And then I got to thinking. He was 62 in 1992 when he made “Unforgiven. He was 63 the next year when he did “A Perfect World.” And he was 74 when he made “Million Dollar Baby.”
He made his best movies at an age when most people are retired and most leading men are only seen in Woody Allen movies.
And then I got to thinking, does this make up for “The Gauntlet?” This is a Dirty Harry knockoff where he takes Sondra Locke, his piece o’ ass at the time, into protective custody as a witness. In the final scene, dirty cops portray him as a bad cop. As he drives in a stolen bus down a city street to get Locke to her court case, about 1,000 police line the streets and unload about 10,000 bullets into the bus while the bus still crawls forward to its destination. I guess a road block was out of the budget? Easier to turn Main Street into a shooting arcade, eh?
But really, the movie is testament to the evils of Hollywood stars nailing aspiring actresses/girlfriends.
Name Tom Cruise’s best movies? Any list you come up with has only one thing in common – Nicole Kidman, Katie Holmes and Penelope Cruz are NOT in it.
BTW, Tim Robbins met Susan Sarandon on the set of “Bull Durham” in 1998 so that doesn’t count.
Look, the only guy in the history of movies that could pull off a great movie while co-starring with his piece of ass was Humphrey Bogart.
Clint tried it and he ended up driving around a pickup truck with a god damn monkey in the passenger seat. (See: “Any Which Way You Can.”)
So, Clint, all is forgiven.
Your body of work post 60 is the best you’ve ever done.
So say five Hail Marys, four Our Fathers, and “City Heat” is all forgiven. That’s the movie that starred Clint and Rip Torn, Burt Reynolds and Irene Cara. The Internet Movie Data Base describes it as this: “Take Clint the street-smart cop . . . take Burt the wise-guy private eye . . . and then take cover!” Amen.

January 19, 2009 at 2:13 pm Leave a comment

Have you seen this man? If not, you need to watch more Law & Order.

image_alum_ssowers
Actor Scott Sowers

OK. I’m a Law & Order addict. But even I have my boundaries.
I realized they were reached when I saw the 2008 episode of Law & Order entitled “Executioner.” The script was fine. The problem? I call it Law-&-Order-Whoreitis.
Let me put it this way. Can this show stop hiring the same FRIGGIN’ actors over and over? WTF?
In this episode, a doctor from New York is hired by the state of South Carolina to oversee state-sanctioned executions of prisoners.
My problem. The actor who played Dr. Horace Garrison is a quality character actor named James Rebhorn. He was in “Meet The Parents.” He’s also been in Seinfeld episodes and even the movie “Independence Day.” Good stuff.
He’s also been THREE different characters on Law & Order from 1992 through 2008. And to make matters worse, the prison warden who hired Dr. Horace Garrison was Samuel Temple, played by actor Scott Sowers.
Now, Scott Sowers has played two different characters on Law & Order Criminal Intent, he’s played three different characters of Law & Order Special Victims Unit and he’s played six different characters on the original Law & Order. WTF? Sybill didn’t have that many personalities? Is there an actor’s strike?
Three words – LAW & ORDER WHORE!
It used to be that washed up actors had a outlet. We called it “The Love Boat.” Or “Fantasy Island.” Now, it’s Law and Order.
What? Do the directors think we smoke pot after every episode so our short-term memory is history.
Now, I’m allowing the show some leeway.
S. Epatha Merkerson plays Lt. Van Buren on the show. In 1991, she debuted on Law & Order as “Denise Winters” the mother of a baby who was gunned down.
I can suspend my disbelief in that case.
M*A*S*H fans will recall that on Sept. 10, 1974, Harry Morgan played Maj. Gen. Bartford Hamilton Steele, a general who lost his mind. Then, on Sept. 12, 1975, he debuted at Col. Sherman T. Potter.
But to recycle the same actor over and over so many times?

January 9, 2009 at 2:28 am Leave a comment

“Wanna know how I got these scars? Touring with Aerosmith until I was 66!”

Eddie Murphy is reportedly signed to play The Riddler in Batman 3. What about The Joker, now that Heath Ledger died?
Well, an aging Stephen Tyler fits the part. And you don’t even need to add makeup. Stephen comes with his own.

heath-ledger-joker

Heath Ledger as The Joker

steven-tyler-joker

Stephen Tyler as The Joker?

January 5, 2009 at 9:40 am Leave a comment

Where Hollywood meets real life: the huge flaw in Lethal Weapon

The movie is Lethal Weapon. The first one. The 1987 flick.
Mel Gibson plays Riggs. Danny Glover plays Murtaugh. Gary Busey played the crazy villain, Mr. Joshua.
The flaw comes at the end of the movie. The bad guys’ plans have gone to hell and the only one left is Mr. Joshua. He had a big chase scene with Riggs and escaped. But Murtaugh knows Mr. Joshua is going to his house to kill his family.
When Mr. Joshua drives up to Murtaugh’s home, there are two cops out in front in a squad car watching it. Mr. Joshua asks them an innocent question and before the cops can answer, Mr. Joshua pulls out his gun and kills them both. The cops never saw it coming.
Then, he goes into Murtaugh’s house and shoots it up, only to find a note to a Christmas Tree. It says, “Dear bad guys. There’s nobody home right now.” It’s signed, “The good guys”. Then a police car goes crashing through the living room.
Great plan.
Except one small detail.
Who forgot to let the two dead cops in on it?
I mean, you got enough time to write a note and pin it on a Christmas tree, but you can’t throw the two patrol cops sitting out in front of the house a bone. “Oh, yeah, by the way. A homicidal maniac is on the way. Looks just like Gary Busey. So if you see him, he’ll kill you.”
And if it was a trap, why the hell post guards to begin with?

January 3, 2009 at 5:15 am Leave a comment

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