Posts tagged ‘Women’

Like ice cream, women come in many flavors, but none without nuts

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Women are like ice cream.
You end up eating it once a week and you better be damn sure you get a flavor you can enjoy over-and-over for the next 35 years.
Or you’re screwed.
Because women come in so many flavors, you’ll be tempted to try others. Many a man has entered a marriage and ended up in Baskin-Robbins with that little wooden spoon trying to gobble up what he can in a pathetically small paper cup that looks more apt for collecting urine samples.
Take Mint Chocolate Chip. A traditonal classic. That’s good marrying material.
But, oh no. Here comes Pistachio Almond. A little nutty (read: the divorced ex-stripper who just moved in the neighborhood).
Hmmm. I remember that flavor. Wow. It was really good. In fact, it was the BEST DAMN ice cream I ever had.
You know why? Because I haven’t eaten it since 1985!
I’ve been shoveling Mint Chocolate Chip down my throat so many times that I hate the weird aqua-blue color.
But you know what?
After four weeks of nothing but Pistachio Almonds, you are reminded that pistachios can be a tasty nut, just not in ice cream. In fact, it really doesn’t work at all when mixed in ice cream. You end up thinking, “I’d rather just eat the pistachios alone.” But you can’t. It’s a package deal. And now I remember why I went 20 plus years without eating it.
However, orange sherbet? OMG. That is so good. And it’s on sale.
But no wait, the clerk is handing me Mint Chocolate Chip.
Oh. Thanks.
Dammit. Why’d I hook up with Mint Chocolate Chip?
Her sister “Regular Chocolate Chip” is such a better match for me. I love vanilla ice cream! That mint flavor has become overpowering. It completely ruins the taste of the chocolate chip.
And now, I have to pretend to enjoy eating it when “Regular Chocolate Chip” is right next to it. Double scoops! DOUBLE SCOOPS!
So many flavors.
Why do we always get stuck eating the same one?

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December 20, 2008 at 6:10 pm Leave a comment

Hey, fat ass. You’ll still make 20 percent less than a man doing the same job, so put down the Butterfingers and hit the treadmill.

IN THE NEWS – According to Fox News, an imperfect body might be just what the doctor ordered for women and key to their economic success, an anthropologist now says. While pop culture seems to worship the hourglass figure for females, with a tiny waist, big breasts and curvy hips à la Marilyn Monroe, this may not be optimal, says anthropologist Elizabeth Cashdan of the University of Utah.
That’s because the hormones that make women physically stronger, more competitive and better able to deal with stress also tend to redistribute fat from the hips to the waist. So in societies and situations where women are under pressure to “bring home the bacon”, they may be less likely to have the classic hourglass figure, Cashdan hypothesizes in the December issue of the journal Current Anthropology.
COMMENTARY – When pressed, anthropologist Elizabeth Cashdan disclosed the funding for her study came from “Fat Chicks Who Can’t Get Laid Foundation.”

December 4, 2008 at 1:23 am 1 comment

A woman’s sex patch?

From the AP – A female testosterone patch showed promise at boosting older women’s enjoyment of sex, but concerns about the cancer risk of hormone therapies mean U.S. women won’t be getting an equivalent of Viagra anytime soon.
Comment: A patch that excites older women? Why don’t we just call it what it is – a Hershey’s wrapper.

November 6, 2008 at 2:17 am 3 comments

The Ass-Tax — A Man’s Guide To Getting Really Broke With No Hopes Of Scoring

Everybody plays the fool, so the song goes.

But not EVERYONE pays that Ass-Tax.

That is man’s cross to bear.

What is the Ass-Tax?
It’s when men lose money one way or another over an attractive woman they WILL not have sex with.

There are many variations of it – like the flu it comes in many different strains.

A police officer letting the attractive woman out of a ticket. ASS TAX

A male college student helping a co-ed move out of her dorm into an apartment. ASS TAX. (A note here to the under 25-crowd, moving a chick’s belongings is the most prevalent form of ass tax being paid on campuses around the country. You spend three hours of hard labor moving shit and for what? A thanks while she runs off that night to party with the guy she’s going to nail who wasn’t around when that sofa had to be moved down three flights of stairs.)

Paying for a woman’s drinks at a bar. ASS TAX 

Surprisingly, although attractive women benefit constantly from the tax levy, they really don’t understand it. I had one attractive co-worker tell me that she told a male friend who was saving money to pay for his marriage that he was paying the ass tax. I promptly corrected her and told her she was misunderstanding the application of the tax. That man was giving up money for sex at a later date. Therefore, the ass tax doesn’t apply. He’s going to tag that chick down the road. Hence, he’s getting some value for that expense.

I had a flat tire where I work and there is a nearby tire store that charged me $110 for a new tire. An attractive female worker told me she had the same thing a month earlier, but they threw in a free tire. ASS TAX.

Some in the legal profession have been known to give legal services to free or give a reduced rate for attractive prospective female clients. (Check the paper work on female strippers in court and what they pay for their DUI charge they need legal representation for. Pro-bono? Pro-boner!)

Unfortunately, there are only two certainties in life – death and taxes.

The ass tax will live forever. Why?

Because men think with dicks and pay with their wallets and we’ve never been able to short-circuit that process.

November 4, 2008 at 8:27 am 2 comments

The world of the Clownfish and why it applies to your marriage.

If you want to know God’s message to man about marriage, it is buried in the warm waters of the Indian and Pacific oceans.

It is the Clownfish.

The Clownfish spends its life swimming circles around an anemonefish. Technically, the godless will point to science for this relationship.  The mucous coating of the clownfish is believed to be based on sugars rather than proteins and, therefore, the anemones don’t realize the clownfish as potential food. But here is where the scientific community strays.

But we know better. The answer isn’t found in science, but in man’s oldest tradition. The anomene and Clownfish are married.

The facts are undeniable.

 The Clownfish spends his life on a pretty short leash – just circling the anemone. Why? Because the Clownfish are henpecked.

The anemone is a very attractive poisonous fish. It doesn’t like to go out because it has no friends. It’s that whole “I only got my credit card can you pick up the tab?” followed by the whole “poison-you-and-eat-you”gig.  But the anemone is cunning. It knows its act has gotten old. So what to do? It can’t survive alone, being the prototype for the insecure, attractive female on land.

So it marries the life of the party .. the stupid but attractive Clownfish. Everyone wants to party with the Clownfish. He’s was a blast as a bachelor. Always brought the beer. You could always crash on his couch if you drank too much.

But Clownfish meets anemone and it’s life’s oldest story. Boy meets girl. Boy likes girl. Boy gets stupid.

But not the anemone. It won’t cannibalize it husbands. The Clownfish are the only species immune to the poison of the anemones. But other fish aren’t. After the anemone paralyzes and eats a fish, the Clownfish will unknowingly devour the remaining uneaten portions and pieces. So the Anomene lets the Clownfish have a few friends over for a beer, then devours them and makes the Clownfish EAT their remains. “Yo. Honey. What’s this crazy stuff in the Rice Chex mix. Smells like Fred,” Clownfish says. “Hey, where is Fred?”
“Fred went home. He wasnt’ feeling well,” the anomene says. “Where’s the %$&%^##@ dental floss?” 
Then the Clownfish gets a bad rap. “We’re not going over to your house Friday night,” the other fish say. “Your wife will kill us.” The Clownfish is offended by such outrageous statements. The anemone is beautiful, he thinks. In fact, anemone got their name from a terrestrial flower. And, he thinks, she’s never done me wrong. Poison tentacles my ass. I sleep with those tentacles wrapped around me every night.

And so the Clownfish will never realize what is happening. Why? Because he is aptly named Clownfish. Think of all the complicated, scientific names scientists have given creatures over the years. Yet, observing this fish in action, the scientific community shrugged and said, “What a clown.”

And the cycle continues. Both under and above the water.

November 3, 2008 at 12:52 am 4 comments