Posts tagged ‘sex’

Like ice cream, women come in many flavors, but none without nuts

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Women are like ice cream.
You end up eating it once a week and you better be damn sure you get a flavor you can enjoy over-and-over for the next 35 years.
Or you’re screwed.
Because women come in so many flavors, you’ll be tempted to try others. Many a man has entered a marriage and ended up in Baskin-Robbins with that little wooden spoon trying to gobble up what he can in a pathetically small paper cup that looks more apt for collecting urine samples.
Take Mint Chocolate Chip. A traditonal classic. That’s good marrying material.
But, oh no. Here comes Pistachio Almond. A little nutty (read: the divorced ex-stripper who just moved in the neighborhood).
Hmmm. I remember that flavor. Wow. It was really good. In fact, it was the BEST DAMN ice cream I ever had.
You know why? Because I haven’t eaten it since 1985!
I’ve been shoveling Mint Chocolate Chip down my throat so many times that I hate the weird aqua-blue color.
But you know what?
After four weeks of nothing but Pistachio Almonds, you are reminded that pistachios can be a tasty nut, just not in ice cream. In fact, it really doesn’t work at all when mixed in ice cream. You end up thinking, “I’d rather just eat the pistachios alone.” But you can’t. It’s a package deal. And now I remember why I went 20 plus years without eating it.
However, orange sherbet? OMG. That is so good. And it’s on sale.
But no wait, the clerk is handing me Mint Chocolate Chip.
Oh. Thanks.
Dammit. Why’d I hook up with Mint Chocolate Chip?
Her sister “Regular Chocolate Chip” is such a better match for me. I love vanilla ice cream! That mint flavor has become overpowering. It completely ruins the taste of the chocolate chip.
And now, I have to pretend to enjoy eating it when “Regular Chocolate Chip” is right next to it. Double scoops! DOUBLE SCOOPS!
So many flavors.
Why do we always get stuck eating the same one?

December 20, 2008 at 6:10 pm Leave a comment

Hello, police? There is a very ugly woman drinking beer on the roof of my house. Can you replace her with a good looking one?

IN THE NEWS – A man called police on the night of Dec. 10 after he came home from work and spotted an intoxicated woman drinking a beer on the roof of his home in Fort Pierce, Fla., according to the Associated Press. The 28-year-old woman was taken into custody after she refused to get down and leave. The police report said the woman agreed to leave only if the man agreed to give her more beer. The woman faces a disorderly intoxication charge.
COMMENTARY: The No. 1 sign you are a butt-ugly woman: A man comes home from work, finds you drunk on his roof, you ask for more beer and he calls the police. Ouch.

December 13, 2008 at 1:55 pm 2 comments

Round 2: Blondie vs. Cookie — Mother vs. daughter in a matchup made for Spike TV.

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Blondie vs. Cookie
The taboo topic among women. Who do you pick? The MILF or hot daughter?
The skinny: OK. First of all, I know what you are thinking. Even with the kindest estimates, Blondie should be 105 years old and looking like a cross between Jabba The Hutt and Penny Marshall. Do the math – Blondie debuted in 1930 and had a child in 1934. But suspend your disbelief. It’s a god-damn cartoon.
Blondie was a carefree flapper girl who spent her days in dance halls.
According to Wikipedia, the flappers “were seen as brash for wearing excessive makeup, drinking, treating sex in a casual manner, smoking, driving automobiles, and otherwise flouting conventional social and sexual norms.”
Can you say, “syphilis?” STDs are definitely in play with Blondie. But stay with me, Blondie has game.
She was originally “Blondie Boopadoop.” Born in a different time, she’d have ended up in a Motley Crue video.
But the flapper whore hooks up with … what? The poster child for erectile dysfunction – Dagwood Bumstead: Hapless. Bumbling. What other adjectives are thrown around to describe him? When was Blondie’s last orgasm? The FDR administration?
Enter Cookie. Naive. Not much is known about her. She’s somewhere in her late teens. But she’s really out of her league when matched up against her mom – the original MILF.
Winner: Experience triumphs over youth. Dagwood was the heir to Bumstead Locomotive and lost it all for running off with a “flapper girl.” Blondie was worth giving up an entire train empire! And it would get old having to keep reminding the inexperienced Cookie, “Don’t look at me. Look at the camera.”

December 6, 2008 at 4:48 pm Leave a comment

A woman’s sex patch?

From the AP – A female testosterone patch showed promise at boosting older women’s enjoyment of sex, but concerns about the cancer risk of hormone therapies mean U.S. women won’t be getting an equivalent of Viagra anytime soon.
Comment: A patch that excites older women? Why don’t we just call it what it is – a Hershey’s wrapper.

November 6, 2008 at 2:17 am 3 comments