Posts tagged ‘Relationships’

A parental plan on how to answer, “What age is the right age for your son to have a girlfriend?”

Tell him, “Women are like jobs. Once you start them, you got ’em your whole life. So enjoy your dating unemployment. Because the age 12 to 20 are the only years in life you’ll be eligible to be job/chick free. Some men have two jobs. Some are chronically unemployed. Some have the same job they started at age 18. Some changes jobs over and over their whole life. Some people lose interest in their job as soon as they start it. The point is, just about everyone gets one, so why the rush? Because once it starts, it never ends.”
Then get out a CD with the Meatloaf song, “Paradise By The Dashboard Light.”
My generation grew up listening to this song.
Today’s kids don’t have the attention span to hear the message Meatloaf taught an entire generation – hot ass don’t stay hot, it just stays.
So for this generation’s kids, get to the point.
Forward the CD to the 6:57 mark of the song and hit play:
“I couldn’t take it any longer
Lord I was crazed
And when the feeling came upon me
Like a tidal wave
I started swearing to my God and on my mother’s grave
That I would love you to the end of time
I swore that I would love you to the end of time
So now I’m praying for the end of time
To hurry up and arrive
Cause if I gotta spend another minute with you
I don’t think that I can really survive
I’ll never break my promise or forget my vow
But God only knows what I can do right now
I’m praying for the end of time
It’s all that I can do
Praying for the end of time, so I can end my time with you”


Are you deaf, woman!? He said he wants to sleep on it!


November 24, 2008 at 4:09 am 5 comments

Reporting an ass-tax siting ….

Any time a man buys some crap from an attractive office worker for her kids bullshit activity. In this instance, it was $15 for a hockey team fundraiser and the man got one jackass flower.

To read about just what an ass-tax is, I’ve provided the

November 16, 2008 at 11:30 pm Leave a comment

A woman’s sex patch?

From the AP – A female testosterone patch showed promise at boosting older women’s enjoyment of sex, but concerns about the cancer risk of hormone therapies mean U.S. women won’t be getting an equivalent of Viagra anytime soon.
Comment: A patch that excites older women? Why don’t we just call it what it is – a Hershey’s wrapper.

November 6, 2008 at 2:17 am 3 comments

The +2 modifier. Or, shave your friggin’ neck, watch your ass quotient rise!

Body hair.

Automatically, any man over the age of 35 starts out with a negative two modifier.

What’s a “modifier?”
Look at a woman with big boobs. What do you rate her on a scale to 1-10? Let’s say it’s an 8. Now, rate her without giving considerations to the tits. What is she now? A 6! Breasts are a plus two modifier.

Well, modifiers can work against you.

For men, the worst is unwieldly hair. Unwanted hair on men is the ONE thing women evaluate but NEVER talk about unless prodded. When a female colleague dates a man, it’s the first question I ask, “What was the hair situation?” You’d be shocked how much attention women pay to that.

Seinfeld joked about nose and ear puberty. What the show didn’t cover is the problems it can cause in dating for older men if it is not maintained.

Here’s a few tips:

Nose hair is the most easily manageable. For $15, you can get clippers and get out the nose hair. It should be part of the routine maintenance you give your body.

Eyebrows. Monobrow. Whatever you want to call it, get a pair of tweesers and pull out that “eye hair garden” once every four days. It virtually painless.

Ears. I’ve seen some men who look like they have tumbleweed in their ears. In my office, one attractive woman wondered if a colleague had problems hearing because of it. TRIM THAT! Remember that old commercial of the native American standing on the side of the road seeing all the garbage and crying? You see the stalks of hair coming out of his ear? In some instances, ear hair can be a minus FOUR modifier. I know a woman who rejected a man she met on a dating online system solely because he had what looked to be miniature hands of hair reaching out.  Simply put, of all the places unwanted hair can sprout, the ear is single most type that results in a “the deal killer.”

And the hardest to combat? Back hair. I love Law and Order. Want to know a secret of the show? When they want to show a low-class white dude, give him back hair. I’m talking the hair sweater. Most times, that is how you can tell who committed the crime on that show? Which suspect has the most back hair? So what to do? Back hair should be shaved once a day from four inches ABOVE the elbow to the entire shoulder mid-back region. You will eventually be left with two strips of hair in the middle of the back from where you can’t reach. I call it “the hair railroad tracks to nowhere.” It’s the best you can do. It takes a minus four and turns it into a minus one. It’s minimizing your weaknesses.

November 4, 2008 at 4:04 pm Leave a comment

The Ass-Tax — A Man’s Guide To Getting Really Broke With No Hopes Of Scoring

Everybody plays the fool, so the song goes.

But not EVERYONE pays that Ass-Tax.

That is man’s cross to bear.

What is the Ass-Tax?
It’s when men lose money one way or another over an attractive woman they WILL not have sex with.

There are many variations of it – like the flu it comes in many different strains.

A police officer letting the attractive woman out of a ticket. ASS TAX

A male college student helping a co-ed move out of her dorm into an apartment. ASS TAX. (A note here to the under 25-crowd, moving a chick’s belongings is the most prevalent form of ass tax being paid on campuses around the country. You spend three hours of hard labor moving shit and for what? A thanks while she runs off that night to party with the guy she’s going to nail who wasn’t around when that sofa had to be moved down three flights of stairs.)

Paying for a woman’s drinks at a bar. ASS TAX 

Surprisingly, although attractive women benefit constantly from the tax levy, they really don’t understand it. I had one attractive co-worker tell me that she told a male friend who was saving money to pay for his marriage that he was paying the ass tax. I promptly corrected her and told her she was misunderstanding the application of the tax. That man was giving up money for sex at a later date. Therefore, the ass tax doesn’t apply. He’s going to tag that chick down the road. Hence, he’s getting some value for that expense.

I had a flat tire where I work and there is a nearby tire store that charged me $110 for a new tire. An attractive female worker told me she had the same thing a month earlier, but they threw in a free tire. ASS TAX.

Some in the legal profession have been known to give legal services to free or give a reduced rate for attractive prospective female clients. (Check the paper work on female strippers in court and what they pay for their DUI charge they need legal representation for. Pro-bono? Pro-boner!)

Unfortunately, there are only two certainties in life – death and taxes.

The ass tax will live forever. Why?

Because men think with dicks and pay with their wallets and we’ve never been able to short-circuit that process.

November 4, 2008 at 8:27 am 2 comments

The world of the Clownfish and why it applies to your marriage.

If you want to know God’s message to man about marriage, it is buried in the warm waters of the Indian and Pacific oceans.

It is the Clownfish.

The Clownfish spends its life swimming circles around an anemonefish. Technically, the godless will point to science for this relationship.  The mucous coating of the clownfish is believed to be based on sugars rather than proteins and, therefore, the anemones don’t realize the clownfish as potential food. But here is where the scientific community strays.

But we know better. The answer isn’t found in science, but in man’s oldest tradition. The anomene and Clownfish are married.

The facts are undeniable.

 The Clownfish spends his life on a pretty short leash – just circling the anemone. Why? Because the Clownfish are henpecked.

The anemone is a very attractive poisonous fish. It doesn’t like to go out because it has no friends. It’s that whole “I only got my credit card can you pick up the tab?” followed by the whole “poison-you-and-eat-you”gig.  But the anemone is cunning. It knows its act has gotten old. So what to do? It can’t survive alone, being the prototype for the insecure, attractive female on land.

So it marries the life of the party .. the stupid but attractive Clownfish. Everyone wants to party with the Clownfish. He’s was a blast as a bachelor. Always brought the beer. You could always crash on his couch if you drank too much.

But Clownfish meets anemone and it’s life’s oldest story. Boy meets girl. Boy likes girl. Boy gets stupid.

But not the anemone. It won’t cannibalize it husbands. The Clownfish are the only species immune to the poison of the anemones. But other fish aren’t. After the anemone paralyzes and eats a fish, the Clownfish will unknowingly devour the remaining uneaten portions and pieces. So the Anomene lets the Clownfish have a few friends over for a beer, then devours them and makes the Clownfish EAT their remains. “Yo. Honey. What’s this crazy stuff in the Rice Chex mix. Smells like Fred,” Clownfish says. “Hey, where is Fred?”
“Fred went home. He wasnt’ feeling well,” the anomene says. “Where’s the %$&%^##@ dental floss?” 
Then the Clownfish gets a bad rap. “We’re not going over to your house Friday night,” the other fish say. “Your wife will kill us.” The Clownfish is offended by such outrageous statements. The anemone is beautiful, he thinks. In fact, anemone got their name from a terrestrial flower. And, he thinks, she’s never done me wrong. Poison tentacles my ass. I sleep with those tentacles wrapped around me every night.

And so the Clownfish will never realize what is happening. Why? Because he is aptly named Clownfish. Think of all the complicated, scientific names scientists have given creatures over the years. Yet, observing this fish in action, the scientific community shrugged and said, “What a clown.”

And the cycle continues. Both under and above the water.

November 3, 2008 at 12:52 am 4 comments