Posts filed under ‘Marriage’

And our next applicant for the “Courtney Love Parent of The Year Award” ….

IN THE NEWS — Police have arrested a Greenfield, Calif., man for allegedly arranging to sell his 14-year-old daughter into marriage in exchange for $16,000, 100 cases of beer and several cases of meat, the Associated Press reported. Police said they only learned of the deal after the 36-year-old man went to them to get his daughter back because payment wasn’t made as promised. The man was arrested Jan. 11 on suspicion of human trafficking. Officers also arrested an 18-year-old man on suspicion of statutory rape. Investigators believe the girl went willingly with the man, but she’s under California’s legal age of consent and can’t legally marry. Police say arranged marriages involving underage girls have become a problem in this small Central Coast farming community.
COMMENTARY: You know, in the old days, they called this a dowry. Hands down, stupidest man alive. You sell your daughter to an 18-year-old who says he’ll give you $16,000, 100 cases of beer and several cases of meat? I mean, how in the hell is an 18-year-old going to get several cases of meat? You know how expensive that is?

January 13, 2009 at 4:24 am Leave a comment

Channel 7 News Exclusive: White Trash Wedding: Illinois couple get married at Taco Bell, Divorce at 11!

IN THE NEWS — Wedding bells meant Taco Bell for Paul and Caragh Brooks. Customers inside the fast-food restaurant continued to order tacos and burritos as the couple sat Jan. 9 in an orange booth at Taco Bell in Normal, Ill., and exchanged vows. “It’s appropriate,” groom Paul Brooks said. “It’s an offbeat relationship.” Employees displayed hot sauce packets labeled with the words “Will you marry me?” They decorated the restaurant with streamers and balloons. The bride wore a $15 hot pink dress and the entire wedding cost about $200. Several dozen guests looked on as the couple’s friend, Ryan Green of Normal, administered the vows while wearing a T-shirt. He was ordained online.
“This is the way to go – there’s no stress,” said the groom’s mother, Kathy Brooks. Caragh Brooks, 21, of Australia, met Paul Brooks, 30, on an Internet dating Web site. They already had the same last name.
The couple wrote back and forth and talked on the phone for nine months before Caragh Brooks moved to the United States.
“We have the same brain, just in two bodies,” Paul Brooks said. “We think alike in virtually every manner. We have the same interests, viewpoints.”
He proposed on New Year’s Eve and, because they like to spend time at the local Taco Bell, they decided to wed there.
“I would never have expected in my life in working here there would be a wedding,” restaurant manager Carl Hamlow said.
COMMENTARY:
“Welcome to Taco Bell. May we take your order please?”
“Hello. Yes. I’d like two chalupas, two bean burritos, two Dr. Peppers and, what the heck, I’d like to get started on the paper work for a grand, supreme divorce-adilla. You know, save me a trip back here in two months.”
Where do I start with this?
The entire wedding only cost $200? My guess that cost-benefit analysis doesn’t include all the therapy this couple’s children will go through as they go through life as the kids of “those people who got married at Taco Bell.”
I can just see the wedding pictures.
“Yeah. That’s Mom eating the chalupa. And there’s Ryan ordering a hard taco. And, that’s the homeless man! Remember him? Had his ass crack showing in the jeans that haven’t been washed since the Kennedy adminstration? He comes in and orders a water and eats the left overs out of the trash. Yeah. We used him as an usher.”
But my favorite line? “Employees displayed hot sauce packets labeled with the words: Will you marry me?”
Hmmm. You make minimum wage. Your the only fastfood chain left that doesn’t make employees were plastic gloves when touching food. What are we waiting for??? Oh, that’s right. The couple in front of us is getting married first.

January 11, 2009 at 1:44 pm Leave a comment

Like ice cream, women come in many flavors, but none without nuts

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Women are like ice cream.
You end up eating it once a week and you better be damn sure you get a flavor you can enjoy over-and-over for the next 35 years.
Or you’re screwed.
Because women come in so many flavors, you’ll be tempted to try others. Many a man has entered a marriage and ended up in Baskin-Robbins with that little wooden spoon trying to gobble up what he can in a pathetically small paper cup that looks more apt for collecting urine samples.
Take Mint Chocolate Chip. A traditonal classic. That’s good marrying material.
But, oh no. Here comes Pistachio Almond. A little nutty (read: the divorced ex-stripper who just moved in the neighborhood).
Hmmm. I remember that flavor. Wow. It was really good. In fact, it was the BEST DAMN ice cream I ever had.
You know why? Because I haven’t eaten it since 1985!
I’ve been shoveling Mint Chocolate Chip down my throat so many times that I hate the weird aqua-blue color.
But you know what?
After four weeks of nothing but Pistachio Almonds, you are reminded that pistachios can be a tasty nut, just not in ice cream. In fact, it really doesn’t work at all when mixed in ice cream. You end up thinking, “I’d rather just eat the pistachios alone.” But you can’t. It’s a package deal. And now I remember why I went 20 plus years without eating it.
However, orange sherbet? OMG. That is so good. And it’s on sale.
But no wait, the clerk is handing me Mint Chocolate Chip.
Oh. Thanks.
Dammit. Why’d I hook up with Mint Chocolate Chip?
Her sister “Regular Chocolate Chip” is such a better match for me. I love vanilla ice cream! That mint flavor has become overpowering. It completely ruins the taste of the chocolate chip.
And now, I have to pretend to enjoy eating it when “Regular Chocolate Chip” is right next to it. Double scoops! DOUBLE SCOOPS!
So many flavors.
Why do we always get stuck eating the same one?

December 20, 2008 at 6:10 pm Leave a comment

A parental plan on how to answer, “What age is the right age for your son to have a girlfriend?”

Tell him, “Women are like jobs. Once you start them, you got ’em your whole life. So enjoy your dating unemployment. Because the age 12 to 20 are the only years in life you’ll be eligible to be job/chick free. Some men have two jobs. Some are chronically unemployed. Some have the same job they started at age 18. Some changes jobs over and over their whole life. Some people lose interest in their job as soon as they start it. The point is, just about everyone gets one, so why the rush? Because once it starts, it never ends.”
Then get out a CD with the Meatloaf song, “Paradise By The Dashboard Light.”
My generation grew up listening to this song.
Today’s kids don’t have the attention span to hear the message Meatloaf taught an entire generation – hot ass don’t stay hot, it just stays.
So for this generation’s kids, get to the point.
Forward the CD to the 6:57 mark of the song and hit play:
“I couldn’t take it any longer
Lord I was crazed
And when the feeling came upon me
Like a tidal wave
I started swearing to my God and on my mother’s grave
That I would love you to the end of time
I swore that I would love you to the end of time
So now I’m praying for the end of time
To hurry up and arrive
Cause if I gotta spend another minute with you
I don’t think that I can really survive
I’ll never break my promise or forget my vow
But God only knows what I can do right now
I’m praying for the end of time
It’s all that I can do
Praying for the end of time, so I can end my time with you”

meatloaf-paradise

Are you deaf, woman!? He said he wants to sleep on it!

November 24, 2008 at 4:09 am 5 comments

We don’t need it made any easier to wear the beer goggles.

IN THE NEWS: A group has designed a ring that allows you to take a cap off a beer bottle. The specifics can be found at: http://lifehacker.com/5082121/open-a-beer-bottle-with-a-ring
COMMENTARY: Hmmm… using a ring to get a cap off a beer bottle? Isn’t that how most wedding rings up on on a man’s hand to begin with?

November 17, 2008 at 3:07 am Leave a comment

Ode to Old School, and what truths women will never learn from it.

In 2003, there was a movie that came out that became an instant classic. It made Will Ferrell what he is today.
I’m talking about Old School, one of the most-quoted movies by drunken men.
Yet, in the nearly six years since its been out, I haven’t found one woman who has enjoyed it.
And through the years, Ferrell’s tried to recapture that magic but has never come close.
Men have flocked to the movies to see if Ferrell could recreate that magic in Old School knock offs like Anchorman, The Legend of Ron Burgundy, Wedding Crashers and Step Brothers and have come away feeling a bit betrayed.
What was it about Old School?
The magic of the movie was that it captured on film five basic truths about relationships, cementing itself as the ultimate “Damaged Guy Movie.”

TRUTH NO. 1
Women don’t like blow jobs:
There’s an old joke that goes like this. A man comes home from work and finds his wife packing her bags. “I’m leaving you and going to Las Vegas. I heard you can make $500 there for a blow job.” As the woman is packing her bags, she notices her husband is packing his bag, too. “Where are you going?” the wife demands. “To Vegas,” the husband says. “I want to see you try to make it on $1,000 a year.” Women don’t like blow jobs.
In Old School, Andy Dick plays Barry the oral sex instructor who is hired as the homosexual man who is an expert at blow jobs and is going to teach the house wives how to perfect the art. He uses vegetables to demonstrate.
Barry: Ladies, our thumbs are down, our wrists are flexed, and we’re gonna position ourselves for insertion.
Barry: Now you’re going to do the work, ladies. These carrots are not going to ejaculate themselves.

We all know women. Nobody has to teach them how to eat chocolate or how to nag about picking up your clothes.
Women become experts at that without trainers. Women don’t like sucking cock. They just do it because they think men like it.

TRUTH NO. 2
Therapy sucks:
Men don’t believe in therapy. Why? Because it don’t work. Talking about why you are no longer into your piece of ass won’t change that. It only brings it out in the open. In front of the woman you are no longer into. That’s a toxic mix.
Yet, therapy is the No. 1 option for couples in a troubled marriage.
In Old School, Frank goes to see a therapist after he gets drunk and goes streaking and is caught by his new wife.
It starts out well.
The therapist explains the ground rules:

Therapist: Frank, this is a safe place. It’s a place where we can feel free sharing our feelings. Think of my office as a nest in a tree of trust and understanding. We can say anything here.
Frank: Anything?

Every man at this point of the movie says to himself, “Frank, he’s full of shit. Trust your instincts.”
Frank tells the therapist he understands he is married and he should be changed but he doesn’t feel changed.
Frank: I mean, suddenly you get married and you’re supposed
to be this entirely different guy. I don’t feel different.

His wife nods in agreement.
But what lies beneath betrays him.

Therapist: Frank, this is a safe place. A place where we can feel free sharing our feelings. Think of my office as a nest in a tree of trust and understanding. We can say anything here.
Frank: Anything? Well, uh I guess I, deep down, am feeling a little confused. I mean, suddenly, you get married, and you’re supposed to be this entirely different guy. I don’t feel different. I mean, take yesterday for example. We were out at the Olive Garden for dinner, which was lovely. And uh, I happen to look over at a certain point during the meal and see a waitress taking an order, and I found myself wondering what color her underpants might be. Her panties. Uh, odds are they are probably basic white, cotton, underpants. But I sort of think well maybe they’re silk panties, maybe it’s a thong. Maybe it’s something really cool that I don’t even know about. You know, and uh, and I started feeling… what? what I thought we were in the trust tree in the nest, were we not?

Every man silently nodded at the line.
We know, baby, there is no trust tree.
The next scene shows Frank was forced to move out of his home.

TRUTH NO. 3
It’s better if you lie in relationships

If you ever read the e-Harmony want lists of all the single women in this country, somewhere in the top three desires in a mate is listed “honesty” or “trustworthy”.
Mitch comes home from an out-of-town conference and finds his girlfriend is about to have an orgy with strangers who are blindfolded.
Mitch: Be honest. Please tell me this is the first time
this has happened.
Girlfriend: Well, do you want me to be honest, or you
want me to tell you this is the first time?

The naive Mitch laments about his discovery during the toast at Frank’s wedding.
Mitch: True love is hard to find, sometimes you think you have true love and then you catch the early flight home from San Diego and a couple of nude people jump out of your bathroom blindfolded like a goddamn magic show ready to double team your girlfriend…

TRUTH NO. 4
We like beer.
Men love beer, especially if we’ve been forced by the nagging significant other to stop drinking it.
Frank: [after funneling a beer] Once it hits your lips, it’s so good!
‘Nuff said.

TRUTH NO. 5
UNTIL DEATH DO YOU PART
If men think about it, sleeping with one woman the rest of your life really freaks us out.
Vince Vaughn’s character points that out to his friend Frank.
Beanie: Alright, let me be the first to say congratulations to then. You get one vagina for the rest of your life. Real smart Frank. Way to work it through.
Then, when Frank opens up to the therapist in front of his wife:
Frank: I guess what I’m trying to say is that now that I’m married, I’m definitely feeling a little freaked out about the fact that I’m gonna have sex with only one person for the rest of my life.
We tend not to dwell on that. It’s just an understood assumption we push off into the back of our minds.

November 15, 2008 at 4:49 pm 4 comments

The world of the Clownfish and why it applies to your marriage.

If you want to know God’s message to man about marriage, it is buried in the warm waters of the Indian and Pacific oceans.

It is the Clownfish.

The Clownfish spends its life swimming circles around an anemonefish. Technically, the godless will point to science for this relationship.  The mucous coating of the clownfish is believed to be based on sugars rather than proteins and, therefore, the anemones don’t realize the clownfish as potential food. But here is where the scientific community strays.

But we know better. The answer isn’t found in science, but in man’s oldest tradition. The anomene and Clownfish are married.

The facts are undeniable.

 The Clownfish spends his life on a pretty short leash – just circling the anemone. Why? Because the Clownfish are henpecked.

The anemone is a very attractive poisonous fish. It doesn’t like to go out because it has no friends. It’s that whole “I only got my credit card can you pick up the tab?” followed by the whole “poison-you-and-eat-you”gig.  But the anemone is cunning. It knows its act has gotten old. So what to do? It can’t survive alone, being the prototype for the insecure, attractive female on land.

So it marries the life of the party .. the stupid but attractive Clownfish. Everyone wants to party with the Clownfish. He’s was a blast as a bachelor. Always brought the beer. You could always crash on his couch if you drank too much.

But Clownfish meets anemone and it’s life’s oldest story. Boy meets girl. Boy likes girl. Boy gets stupid.

But not the anemone. It won’t cannibalize it husbands. The Clownfish are the only species immune to the poison of the anemones. But other fish aren’t. After the anemone paralyzes and eats a fish, the Clownfish will unknowingly devour the remaining uneaten portions and pieces. So the Anomene lets the Clownfish have a few friends over for a beer, then devours them and makes the Clownfish EAT their remains. “Yo. Honey. What’s this crazy stuff in the Rice Chex mix. Smells like Fred,” Clownfish says. “Hey, where is Fred?”
“Fred went home. He wasnt’ feeling well,” the anomene says. “Where’s the %$&%^##@ dental floss?” 
Then the Clownfish gets a bad rap. “We’re not going over to your house Friday night,” the other fish say. “Your wife will kill us.” The Clownfish is offended by such outrageous statements. The anemone is beautiful, he thinks. In fact, anemone got their name from a terrestrial flower. And, he thinks, she’s never done me wrong. Poison tentacles my ass. I sleep with those tentacles wrapped around me every night.

And so the Clownfish will never realize what is happening. Why? Because he is aptly named Clownfish. Think of all the complicated, scientific names scientists have given creatures over the years. Yet, observing this fish in action, the scientific community shrugged and said, “What a clown.”

And the cycle continues. Both under and above the water.

November 3, 2008 at 12:52 am 4 comments