Round 3: Veronica vs. Betty and Archie gets sloppy seconds!

December 7, 2008 at 12:08 pm Leave a comment

Betty vs. Veronica
The skinny: Much like the Wilma and Betty debate, there is nothing that really separates these two when evaluating who has the better body. And Betty and Veronica are like Britney Spears in that they often have differing breast sizes, depending on what of the many differing series of Archie Comics you are looking at.
So this debate comes down to, “Who is better in the sack?”
Veronica yells directions during sex and fakes her orgasms and has, “Are you done yet?” written all over her face.
Betty cries during sex and then talks about marriage three minutes after coming. So pick your poison.
Veronica was known to call Archie Andrews “Archie-kins.” So points off for bad cuddly-cutesy pie nicknames. In the Archie’s Band, Betty plays the tambourine; Veronica plays the organ. Plays the organ, eh?
Here’s the issue with Veronica. Her old man – Hiram Lodge – is loaded. That’s good.
But in one comic book, Veronic is in a school play and has to kiss Jughead. She kisses him reluctantly, but then later says she is in love with him. OK, Jughead? That screams, “Psycho bitch.” There is no way you can just nail this chick and not have her going through your garbage the next four months. Stalking is a big turnoff.
And what do you have with Betty Cooper? She’s known as the “quintessential girl next door.” Read – Missionary style. So your “in flight” options are limited. She’ll go along with whatever you do but expect a few “I don’t think this is legal” queries which can kind of kill the moment.
Archie is considered good friends with Betty while he just wants to stick it to Veronica. It’s harder to shake Betty after a one-night stand and she’ll play the friendship card to stick around. The means plenty of awkward, “Hey. I just called to see what you were doing” phone calls. “Yeah. I can’t talk now, Betty, I’m riding Veronica like she’s Secretariat coming down the stretch. I’ll catch you later.” And she’s fine with that. Because she’s a friend. Woof. I mean, have some pride, girl, it’s friggin’ Archie Andrews. Yet, Betty is a cheerleader. And a 1950s cheerleader when it still meant something to make a high school cheerleading team. And I like pig tails.
And the winner is: It’s a toss up. But Veronica seems more likely to have $$$$ in her wallet the morning after when she is still passed out drunk and you’re tapped and need some cash to fill up the jalopy so you can get the hell out of Riverdale.


Entry filed under: Things I Know But Can't Explain. Tags: , , .

Round 2: Blondie vs. Cookie — Mother vs. daughter in a matchup made for Spike TV. Butt Bandit, meet your new cell mate, Ass Pirate.

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