Posts filed under ‘Uncategorized’
Owner of foul-mouthed cockatoo fined for mouthy bird; Owner has no comment, bird says, “This is complete bullshit!”
WARWICK, R.I. (AP) — The owner of a foul-mouthed cockatoo in Rhode Island who was slapped with a $15 fine for violating a noise ordinance is appealing.
The Providence Journal reports (bit.ly/RUIVG4) that Warwick resident Lynne Taylor is appealing to a state court a fine imposed by a municipal judge. The judge said Taylor had broken a local law that prohibits residents from letting their pets habitually howl, bark or make other noise.
Taylor’s lawyer says the ordinance is unconstitutional because it gives no parameters for what noise constitutes a violation. He notes the statute says that if someone is annoyed, it’s a public nuisance.
A neighbor accused Taylor’s bird of parroting vulgar phrases, cursing and loudly speaking expletives. The neighbor lives with Taylor’s ex-husband.
Information from: The Providence Journal,HTTP://WWW.PROVIDENCEJOURNAL.COM
IN THE NEWS – Apple Inc. apologized April 23 for selling Baby Shaker, an iPhone application that let users silence an imaginary crying infant by shaking the multimedia device. The 99-cent “app” was removed from Apple’s online store April 22, two days after it debuted (although it endures on YouTube). Outraged child-welfare groups that decried it as “horrifying” and “reckless” demanded an apology – which they finally got.
COMMENTARY – Can Steve Jobs die so he can roll over in his grave? Apology accepted, Apple. In other news, Apple released it’s next line of iPhone apps: Euthanize Nana - where users can ”pull the plug” on a senile granny by hitting the ’end call’ button.
We’ve all gotten the email, text mail or even the old fashioned scribbled note that says, “i luv u”
Men. When you see that, run for your life.
It’s from the “Hot Chick” and she’s out to use you like a tampon. You’re there to stop the bleeding then quickly discarded.
There are differing variations of how Hot Chick bastardizes the phrase “I love you” to strip it of any meaning.
There’s “luv,” signed Hot Chick (translation: thanks for the $20)
There’s “luv u,” signed Hot Chick (translation: thanks for the $200)
And there’s “i luv you,” signed Hot Chick (translation: thanks for helping me move my large u-Haul worth of crap 120 miles to my new town, I owe you a beer we both know I’ll never come close to buying you.)
Notice how in the last version, not one of those words is properly punctuated or spelled correctly.
That’s not by mistake.
Women know the power of the word “love.” It means everything to them. And they don’t throw it around lightly.
The “I Love You” guy gets blow jobs.
The ‘i luv u” guy gets 2 a.m. sobbing phone calls from Hot Chick detailing the latest argument with I Love You Guy.
The “I Love You” guy gets to go out to the bars with Hot Chick who is all over him.
The “i luv u” guy gets set up with Hot Chicks 280-pound Girlfriend.
In the end, “luv” means you get all the headaches, whining and expenses – just without the sex.
So what’s the point?
Mark Fidrych died while working on his truck.
“….OK, just sit back and enjoy your flight, we’ll be at 10,000 feet momentarily and the weather at our destination is going to be warm and – AHHGHT! ….”
IN THE NEWS: A passenger landed a twin-engine plane in Florida after the pilot died in flight with a total of six people on board. Federal Aviation Administration officials say the pilot died after takeoff from an airport in Naples on April 12. It was on autopilot and climbing toward 10,000 feet when the pilot died.
The passenger who took over is licensed for single-engine planes but isn’t certified to fly the larger King Air craft.
An air traffic controller helped the passanger down by calling a friend in Connecticut who knows the King Air plane and relaying instructions. The plane landed safely at Southwest Florida International Airport in Fort Myers.
COMMENTARY – Didn’t I see this on Laverne and Shirley? Yes, I did. It was a 1977 episode entitled, “Airport ’59.”
Laverne flies and Shirley navigates. Spoiler alert: they live.
Here’s my amazement with this show … it was horrible TV, neither chick was remotely doable and yet it lasted eight years. Amazing. I mean if it was remade today, Laverne would be played by Paris Hilton and Shirley would be Lindsey Lohan.
In 1982, there was even a cartoon of the show as part of the “Mork & Mindy/Laverne & Shirley/Fonz Hour.” My favorite Laverne & Shirley cartoon episode? It was the one where the cartoon Laverne is upset when she learns cartoon Mork gave her “the clap.”
Rapper Eminem has a new album coming out. His sixth studio album is set to be released May 19. Two tracks have been leaked – “Crack A Bottle” and “We Made You.”
I love Eminem’s music. But I’m not sure the music industry has had an artist with bigger Mommy issues since Elvis.
Her name is Debbie Nelson. She’s 54. In 2002, Eminem released the 2002 smash hit “Without Me” where he yells, “Fuck you, Debbie!” Slim Shady followed that up with the 2002 smash hit “Cleanin’ Out My Closet.” It’s full of knocks against his mother.
Now, I’m sure to his throng of teen followers, that struck a chord. But he’s 36 now. Who still complains about their parents in their latter 30s? You are not rapping then, you are whining. And can there be more of a death-sentence in the rap industry than to be labeled a momma’s boy?
So far, no reference to his mother yet on the first two tracks.
And another frequent target of Eminem’s lyrics? His ex-wife Kim Mathers? Shady, rap all day/all night about her. Knocking on the old lady never gets old.
In case you missed it, Kris Benson was the starting pitcher for the Texas Rangers in the home opener April 10 for the Detroit Tigers.
Benson, 34, is a journeyman pitcher who has been on four teams in eight years. He missed last year due to injury. But he’s hardly the star attraction anymore.
That’s his wife, Anna Benson. A former stripper who is full-time crazy.
Kris violated the No. 1 rule of athletes – hang out at the strip clubs, just leave the way you came in: single.
In interviews over the year, she’s told the media she wanted to have sex with her husband in every stadium and has done her husband in the Pittsburgh stadium, made over 30 porn tapes with her husband, she would fuck all of his teammates if Kris ever cheated on her and then filed for divorce in 2006 before rescinding the request.
Smell that. It’s 100 % bona-fide crazy you got there on your hands, Kris.
Anna had a website a few years ago that played Kanye West’s song “Golddigger” as the theme song. Benson signed a $27 million contract as a rookie and didn’t sign a pre-nup. So, Kris, we leave you with the artist your wife knows well – Kanye West – and some lyrics to his best song – Golddigger.
“If you ain’t no punk holla’ we want pre-nup WE WANT PRE-NUP!, yeah It’s something that you need to have ‘Cause when she leave yo’ ass she gon’ leave with half”
“Hi, 911? Yes, I am in Kmart and their clothes don’t fit and AHHHH!”" ZZZZ-AAAAAA-PPPPPP!!!!!!!!!!!!!
IN THE NEWS – A Texas woman called 911 on April 6 to report she didn’t get as much shrimp as she wanted in her fried rice at a Texas restaurant.
Haltom City police on Tuesday released the taped emergency call, in which the customer is heard telling the dispatcher, “to get a police officer up here, what has to happen?”
The customer also says: “He didn’t even put extra shrimp in there.”
The upset customer had left the Fort Worth-area restaurant when an officer arrived that afternoon.
COMMENTARY – Unfortunately, the 911 call has become to idiots when 7-Eleven is to potheads – a meeting place.
On April 1, a woman called 911 in Florida because the electrical system in her car failed and then apologized when told by dispatchers to open the lock manually.
On March 3, another Florida woman called 911 three times to report an “emergency.” Latreasa Goodman, 27, called police to complain that a cashier–citing a McDonald’s all sales are final policy–would not give her a refund. When cops responded, she said, “This is an emergency. If I would have known they didn’t have McNuggets, I wouldn’t have given my money, and now she wants to give me a McDouble, but I don’t want one.”
Oh, I got a McDouble for you. The McDouble kick in the ass for being galactically retarded.
The solution is simple.
Everyone gets one jackass 911 call. The overwhelming majority of us will never use it.
But if you do, you get no more lifelines. Instead, once you call 911 the next time, you get 500 volts the moment you hit that final “1″ button.
So, your car slid off the side of a road and into the ravine and water is gushing in through the windows and you can’t open the door?
But you called 911 about three months ago because Burger King won’t make your hamburger the way you wanted (as a California woman did in 2005), then feel free to call again all you want.
Zap! Zap! Zap! Zap!