Posts filed under ‘Short comments on the news’
No. 1 sign you need a new Hollywood agent? You get this text: Rose, baby. We got you in the lead role of a remake of a Brigitte Nielsen movie.
IN THE NEWS – Rose McGowan is set to storm the big screen as the scarlet-haired swordstress Red Sonja in a movie update being produced by her “Grindhouse” director and husband Robert Rodriguez.
COMMENTARY – The original Red Sonja was made in 1985 and starred Arnold Schwarzenegger and Brigitte Nielsen. That was when Brigitte still was a female.
Today? Well, when people are pulled over in Hollywood for suspected drunk driving, police pull out this photo as a sobriety test and ask, “Would you fuck this?”
IN THE NEWS — A Nebraska man who stuffed his girlfriend’s cat into a makeshift bong and smoked marijuana through it said that he had done it on other occasions and that it calmed the cat down. Acea Schomaker of Lincoln said he never intended to hurt the 6-month-old cat, Shadow. Lancaster County sheriff’s deputies responding to a domestic disturbance at the residence ticketed the 20-year-old Schomaker on suspicion of misdemeanor animal cruelty March 1 after catching him smoking marijuana from a boxlike contraption that had the cat stuffed inside its 12-inch by 6-inch base. Schomaker’s girlfriend, Marissa Vieux, also was ticketed for animal cruelty because she didn’t try to stop Schomaker, Sgt. Andy Stebbing said. Vieux, 22, said she took in the cat about two months ago from friends who abused it. Schomaker said the cat would bite and scratch them but he didn’t want to discipline it by swatting or squirting water at it. He said they didn’t bring it to an animal shelter because they feared it would be put down. So Schomaker said he decided to use the makeshift bong because he had heard about people calming their pets by blowing marijuana smoke in their faces. “I know for sure this isn’t the first time someone has done this,” he said. “I’m just the first one to get caught. Every time we took her out she would pretty much just lay down and proceed to clean herself and act like a stoned person.”
COMMENTARY – Sure, American youth may be among the lowest achieving students on the planet. But have the Asians invented the “cat bong?” Rock on, Acea. Yes, you may be the first one to get caught. Let me introduce you to another animal-loving trailblazer – Bryan James Hathaway.
He was a 20-year-old Wisconsin man when he was charged with having sex with a dead deer in 2007. Hathaway’s attorney Fredric Anderson filed a motion which argued “because the deer was dead, it was not considered an animal and the charge should be dismissed”. He insisted: “The statute does not prohibit one from having sex with a carcass.”
Yeah, well, I guess some people were put on this world to cure cancer.
While others, to make sure the law is very specific about what dead animals you can nail and that smoking “cat” joints isn’t acceptable in our society.
IN THE NEWS – Conan O’Brien is moving out of New York, but he’s leaving behind a pair of hockey helmets topped with upside-down baby dolls in stars-and-stripes leotards. The bizarre prop is one of dozens of items – some prosaic, some wacky – salvaged from the set of “Late Night” and up for sale in Queens.
The Astoria-based nonprofit Build It Green! NYC hauled away two truckloads of the goodies last week from NBC studios at 30 Rockefeller Plaza. It’s the stuff O’Brien accumulated during his 16-year run in New York and ditched for his move to Los Angeles to host “The Tonight Show.”
Some of it is generic, like a few rolls of carpet, but there are mementos like the fake plants that dotted the set and the platforms for the house band, the Max Weinberg 7.
COMMENTARY – Oh, wow! I hope I’m not too late. I always wanted to to get that chair Conan sat in that one time he told a joke that was funny. I think it was in his fifth year. Will Ferrell may have been the guest.
Did you know this guy beat out Jon Stewart for the show?
Jon Stewart is funnier in a pause than Conan was in his entire 16-year run.
But that’s the beauty of TV. Conan proved that even if you can’t tell a joke, when all else fails, just move your hair and scalp back and forth.
He’ll replace Jay Leno as host of The Tonight Show.
“Hey, Gisele. You want anything at the store? A diet Coke? A Snickers? How about a People magazine that confirms I was still bopping my ex-girlfriend when we first dated?”
IN THE NEWS – Gisele Bündchen and Tom Brady may have kept their March 26 wedding top secret, but friends aren’t surprised that the duo tied the knot.
“They are a great couple,” celebrity trainer Oscar Smith, who works with the Patriots quarterback, tells PEOPLE. “He is a super athlete and she is a supermodel. They belong together! I am very happy for the both of them.”
COMMENTARY – OK. This relationship is doomed.
And not because celebrity marriages seldom last as long as a Christian Slater TV series.
There are some things a man can talk his way out of.
And then there’s your new girlfriend finding out you were still nailing your ex-girlfriend because People Magazine did a story on it.
Celebrity can have its downsides.
Let’s go through the timeline that Brady will never be able to explain away:
Brady dated actress Bridget Moynahan from 2004 until late 2006. On February 18, 2007, Moynahan confirmed to People magazine that she was more than three months pregnant with her and Brady’s child.
So, we’re looking sometime in December.
Brady and Moynahan ended their relationship sometime in early December 2006. Since late 2006, Brady had been dating Brazilian supermodel Gisele Bündchen.
So, they can’t go through a supermarket checkout without breaking out into an argument.
Yeah, well, he wasn’t so good at refuting Muslim stereotypes, but he can still make a hell of a gyro.
IN THE NEWS – The founder of an Islamic television station in upstate New York aimed at countering Muslim stereotypes has confessed to beheading his wife, authorities said.
Muzzammil Hassan has been charged with murder in the death of his wife, Aasiya Hassan, CNN reported.
Muzzammil Hassan was charged with second-degree murder after police found the decapitated body of his wife, Aasiya Hassan, at the Bridges TV station in the Buffalo suburb of Orchard Park, said Andrew Benz, Orchard Park’s police chief. His wife filed for divorce January 6, and police had responded to several domestic violence calls at the couple’s home, Benz said. He had two children, 4 and 6, with his wife. He had two other children, 17 and 18, from his previous marriage.
He launched Bridges TV, billed as the first English-language cable channel targeting Muslims inside the United States, in 2004. At the time, Hassan said he hoped the network would balance negative portrayals of Muslims following the attacks of September 11, 2001.
COMMENTARY – “The founder of an Islamic television station in upstate New York aimed at countering Muslim stereotypes has confessed to beheading his wife.” I got nothing that can top that.
Memo to dumbasses – animals that grow to be the size of NFL linebackers and have been known to bite the lips off people ain’t good pets
IN THE NEWS – The chimpanzee, named Travis, who had appeared in television commercials, was shot and killed by an officer when he charged the police and cornered that officer in his cruiser, the police said. The injured woman was hospitalized Feb. 16 in very serious condition at Stamford Hospital, the New York Times reported. Her identity was not released.
Stamford police Capt. Richard Conklin said the woman was getting out of her car in front of her friend’s house when Travis attacked for no apparent reason. Sandra Herold, the owner of the 15-year-old chimpanzee, wrestled with the animal as it mauled her friend, then ran inside to call 911.
“She retrieved a large butcher knife and stabbed her longtime pet numerous times in an effort to save her friend, who was really being brutally attacked,” Captain Conklin said.
The woman suffered “a tremendous loss of blood” from serious facial injuries, he said.
Travis ran away and started roaming on the property as the police arrived. But the chimpanzee returned and went after several of the officers, who retreated into their cars, Captain Conklin said. Travis knocked a mirror off a cruiser before he opened its door and started to get in, trapping the officer.
That officer shot the chimpanzee several times, Captain Conklin said.
The wounded chimpanzee fled, but Captain Conklin said the police were able to follow the trail of his blood down the driveway, through the open door of the home, through the house and to his living quarters, where he had retreated and died of his wounds.
COMMENTARY – The chimp was toilet trained, dressed himself and could log on to a computer. Already, he’s overqualified to be a supervisor at Wal-Mart.
According to Mahalo.com, Travis was treated much like a human by his owners. He drank wine from a stemmed glass, ate at the table, watered the plants, wore a diaper, took a bath on his own, used a Waterpik to clean his teeth, and watched baseball on television. Travis’s television career included TV commercials for CocaCola and Old Navy and an appearance on the Maury Povich Show.
And judging by the story, he was about to make his getaway in the police cruiser. WTF? Look, people, as much as some like to think we came from these animals, they aren’t our buddies. They are wild animals. So you can dress him up in diapers, have him log on to the computer but remember, in a blink of an eye, they’ve been known to bite off fingers, cheeks, noses, lips, ears, testicles and butt cheeks and anything else that falls into that, “What the fuck can I bite off, I’m a god damn wild animal” category.
And the next time I hear someone say an animal attacked someone “for no apparent reason,” I’m going to scream.
They don’t need a reason. That’s their get-out-of-jail-free card. They are wild animals. Some eat their young. Go analyze that.
You want a pet? Stick to a cat.
Woman to police: “Yeah, the drummer from Foreigner stole my car. And the keyboardist from Styx was in the passenger seat.”
IN THE NEWS – Authorities said a transient man convinced a Clearwater, Fla., woman that he was the drummer for the rock band Foreigner, stole her Corvette and then crashed it, Tampabay.com reported. Police said a 48-year-old man befriended the woman at a Tampa hotel, claiming to be Cory James, the drummer for Foreigner. The band has had more than a half dozen drummers over the years, none of whom were named Cory James.
Using the rock persona along with the name and room number of a patron at the Hilton Clearwater Beach Resort, Eric Steven Hook obtained “food, alcoholic beverages and cash throughout the day.”
The two met up later at the Clearwater Hilton, where police said the man conned the valet into giving him the woman’s 2002 Chevrolet Corvette without her knowledge or consent. He crashed a short time later and ran off, and police say they used a dog to track him down.
The man faces multiple charges, including grand theft auto. He was being held on $27,900 bail.
COMMENTARY – Now, let me get this right.
A man who is homeless goes to a hotel. He meets a woman who has access to a $60,000 sports car, tells her he is a drummer from a washed-up 70s rock band. He drinks alcohol for free. He takes the car and crashes it. I think we’ve found our next “blonde” joke or the guy WHO REALLY SHOULD BE the next drummer for Foreigner.
This reminds me of my favorite garage band joke. What do you call a drummer who breaks up with his girlfriend? Homeless.
And just hold fucking old is the valet that got conned by this guy at the Hilton Clearwater Beach Resort. Foreigner hasn’t been relevant since 1985. Anybody under the age of 30 would have said, “Foreigner? What’s that? And why do you smell like urine?”
And finally, how’d you like to be the K-9 that had to track down a smelly, transient man who has been drinking in the hot sun all day and then crashed a sports car and fled on foot. “C’mon Spot. Smell that? I need you to find him. C’mon Spot. I know you can do it.” Woof. Woof. (That’s doggy for “Fuck you, Sarge.”)
Either way, I think the con man actually got further with this scam than if he had said he was the ex-lead singer Lou Gramm.
I’ll post the mugshot of the con man Eric Steven Hook and a recent photo of Lou Gramm.
You tell me who looks more like an aging rock star and who looks like a fat homeless dude.
And if this doesn’t work out, Val can always go back to flying Navy jets, something he’s really trained to do.
IN THE NEWS – Actor Val Kilmer is pondering running for governor of New Mexico in 2010, when two-term Democrat Bill Richardson will be forced from office by term limits.
“I’m just looking for ways to be contributive,” Kilmer told The Associated Press on Feb. 5. “And if that ends up being where I can make a substantial contribution, then I’ll run.”
Kilmer said if he ran it wouldn’t have to be a conventional campaign. While the actor decides, he’s getting out and about and has been listening to people – something he says he’s pretty good at.
“What I do for a living is listen,” he said, making a bold prediction: “If I run, I’m going to be the next governor.”
COMMENTARY – Val, baby, your last gig was as a FUCKING talking car. Voice of Kitt in the doomed TV remake of Knight Rider? Remember? And your comment about “What I do for a living is listen.” What YOU USED TO DO for a living was act. But you sucked so bad at that, you were last seen in the 2006 flop “Ten Commandments: The Musical.” I’m not making that up. Go do a sequel to Top Gun. Be Iceman flying for Delta and landing a plane on the Hudson. Whatever. Just don’t bring your Hollywood idiocy to someplace where it could really do some damage.
IN THE NEWS – Authorities say a 19-year-old Iowa City man showed up drunk to serve a three-day public intoxication sentence at the Johnson County Jail on Feb. 3. Court records said initial tests showed the man had a blood-alcohol content of 0.101 percent when he arrived at the jail. He now faces another charge, but a court date on the new charge hasn’t been set. Court records said the man pleaded guilty to public intoxication in May 2008 and was convicted of public intoxication second-offense last December.
COMMENTARY – He shows up drunk on a pubilc intoxication sentence? I say, “Time served.”
IN THE NEWS — The world’s most famous groundhog saw his shadow the morning of Feb. 2, predicting that this already long winter will last for six more weeks. Punxsutawney Phil emerged just after dawn in front of an estimated 13,000 witnesses, according to the Associated Press.
The annual ritual takes place on Gobbler’s Knob, a tiny hill in Punxsutawney, a borough of about 6,100 residents some 65 miles northeast of Pittsburgh.
According to German superstition, if a hibernating animal casts a shadow on Feb. 2 – the Christian holiday of Candlemas – winter will last another six weeks. If no shadow is seen, legend says, spring will come early.
Since 1887, Phil has seen his shadow 97 times, hasn’t seen it 15 times, and there are no records for nine years, according to the Punxsutawney Groundhog Club.
COMMENTARY – Somehow, you just knew the fucking Germans were behind this.
OK. Time to put a cap in the ass of this grand tradition.
First, groundhogs live about two to three years. They hibernate from October to March. That’s half their lives sleeping. So, Mother Nature’s biggest slackers are who we are depending upon for weather predictions? These guys aren’t looking for their shadow, their looking for where they left that bag of Cheetos they were eating while sitting on the dirt couch in their burrow before they dozed off for six months. Mr. Woodchuck. Time to get a new job. Yeah, I know. You’ll crack open the job listings in six weeks …..
By the way, according to the weather almanac people, Punxsutawney Phil has been right 39 percent of the time.